A New and Shining Future

This is just ranting. Feel free to ignore.

Before I go on, just to say this isn't a suicide note. 

I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve reached a kind of final level of exhaustion with things. A dark epiphany, this. Realising that this country, this world of ours, can never be good, never be kind. That evil has triumphed, it always had and always will.

I used to be funny. Now I scream more pointlessness into the void. Used to kid myself that at least it was cathartic. Now I don’t even get the mildest of dopamine hits from relieving myself of that anger. What needs to happen here, and elsewhere, is clear and obvious. But it cannot happen and will not be allowed to happen. Only money matters.

Known this for a long time of course but after 2019, when really I should have just climbed into whatever form of sensory deprivation was nearest, I doubled down. Got labelled an anti-Semite for wanting some form of social justice, an end to homelessness, a protected NHS. But the country is thick and selfish and wandered back down the corpse-strewn path they know and love.

And now, I’m worn out. I spend my days doomscrolling and my nights sleepstruggling. I’ll just post mildly amusing bon mots instead. I guess they won. I hope that whatever warmth I can afford this winter will be boosted by the brief tingle of happiness getting nine likes for a joke about pop music can get me.

I’ve got friends and family who will probably struggle to survive the winter. Friends who are loved, who have contributed greatly to the universe in terms of being decent, kind, creative souls guilty only of being vulnerable, poor, selfless. What the pandemic didn’t take, the government will, one final deathly tax on the desperate.

Only now, 12 years into austerity, with the spectre of poverty finally at Joe Public’s own door, has this become an issue, this idea of decent standards of living. That’s conservatism for you. Oh it affects me now so I give a fuck.

I didn’t do nearly enough to affect any change in the world so it’s on me too. I still used Amazon despite everything, used Wetherspoons. I’m as bad as any other hypocrite. What a world.

Came off my meds earlier this year, nothing really had changed for me mentally. I didn’t see the point. The main cause of my anxiety had ended. So, it was just taking pills for no reason other than something to do before bed. Maybe I’ll ring the doctors and get something else. Lie down and wait for the Bodysnatchers to grab me, become another consumer, numb on fast food and soothed by Ant and Dec’s Great British Love Shop. I’d like that, some comfort. .

In the end, the house always wins. And Britain, not so much a casino as a kind of bawdy end of the pier amusement arcade mere feet above a sea of shit, is no different. Stick another coin in the bandit, stare at the pretty lights and repeat. All the fun of the unfair is here. Fuck it all. And fuck me for caring.