The Hate List

About a year ago I tweeted a list of 100 things I hate the most. People seemed to like it. Here it is in full.

The 100 Things I Hate The Most.

100: Hats
99: The song "Breakfast at Tiffany's" by Deep Blue Something
98: Kirstie Allsopp
97: People who say "Glasto"
96: Team GB. Team anything.
95: The term green belt. Which means "dont reduce the value of my home" rather than "won't somebody think of the countryside"
94: Anybody over the age of 12 on a skateboard
93 People who put their middle finger and thumb to the side of their eyes to intimate a level of stress you cannot comprehend.
92 Football hipsters. Vintage Barcelona shirts, non league fanzines, all that shit.
91: Jeeps. Fuck off.
90: The film Pretty Woman. Unless its a subtle satire of Reaganite values. Which it isn't. And even then it would suck.
89: Childish menus in pubs. I'm here to obliterate myself. I don't want fucking Little Yummies. I want to drink till I'm sick.
88: Glamping. It's fucking camping. And camping is for paedophiles. And those poor bastards outside Calais. Get a hotel.
87: Vaping. You look like a dick. Get some dignity. Back on the cancersticks man.
86: That twat from Blur. No. Not him. The other one.

85: Fashion. All of it. Grow up. Your clothes were made by battery hen kids. You will look like a cock in that shirt.

84: Cath Kidston. Twee misogynist bullshit for women with shit taste in everything.

83: Baristas. You pour coffee for fuck sake. You're no more a barista than the guy who takes our recycling is an environmentalist.

82: John Bishop

81: The minority novelty sport segment of a Saturday morning BBC Breakfast. Some prick getting paid to play Surfchess or Arsegolf.

80: The smug just spunked on a passing unicorn face Jools Holland pulls when he gets to play piano with some legend on Later.

79: Musicals. The nadir of man's achievement. Showtunes with their piccolo and cornet shit. Lloyd Webbers face - a vomiting crab.

78: Tony Parsons and his mix of sentimental barrow boy politics and sixth form rhetoric.

77: DVDs at car boots. No one sells anything good. I don't want Talladega Nights. Or Little Nicky. How much for Coyote Ugly?

76: People who mythologise violent criminals. Ooh the Great Train Robbbery. Course the Krays made the East End safe. Shitheads.

75: Breakfast radio posses. Not enough personality for the airwaves? Surround yourself with people paid to laugh at you. Wanktards.

74: The Barmy Army. That brass band that play at England football and cricket? Nothing but UKIP with trumpets.

73: Gina McKees nauseating turn as a disabled woman in Notting Hill.

72: Magicians. Jugglers. Street entertainers. The statue man. All bollocks. Friendless dickheads on the make

71: The Italian Job. And it's remake.

70: phones that tell me I meant it's and not its.

69: Collections in spare bedrooms. There's homeless people and you've given a bedroom to 22000 He Man figures/Queen Mum cups.

68: people who say "coin" when they mean "cash."

67: People who help find the golf ball in tournaments.

66: Labradoodles and Cockapoos. Fuck off with your dog cocktails.

65: EastEnders introducing a new family. Displaying a behaviour or identity the audience can go Oh Asian/Benefits and tick a box.

64: High School Proms are a US thing. We have telling Mr Giles to piss off and doing a pointless degree. Prom? Geddouttahere!

63: The film Mamma Mia

62: The stupid way in which that girl in the Black and white dress in the Nivea advert dances at a concert.

61: The Medway Towns. Capital of Broken Britain. If Kent is the Garden of England, this is the weed patch.

60: Kids drinking Red Bull. These are your peak years you lazy cunts. Put down the XBox and learn to swim. Its safe. Rolfs gone.

59: The term Indie now meaning "has guitars" I'm blaming Noel Gallagher, Chris Evans and those God awful Shine compilations.

58: People tracing their family tree. You spent 800 quid proving your entire line amounted to nothing. Well done.

57: The attempts by BBC2 to make baking somehow dramatic. It's the cunt from Emmerdale making scones ffs. Baking. Piss off. 

56: Stag and hen nights.

55: Any poll that says kids most admire Richard Branson. I have never met a child who wants to be a hippie cock when they grow up.

54: Fireworks

53: Catfish. It's like Stalker Watchdog. Except theyve blown that by chatting to gullible Americans sad they are not getting laid.

52 The added O to Dawn Porters name. Unless it's symbolic for gaping talentless hole.

51: The Comic Relief Career Path. The standups gap year. I went to Sierra Leone to dig a well. Now I sell out arenas. Knight me!

50: Chevy Chase. He isn't funny. You're ALL wrong.

49: Being asked if I've been bummed by an African recently. I'm trying to give blood. You're bringing back painful memories.

48: Van bangers. Nonce on his way to court! Quick! Show the world how much YOU care. Bang the prison van! Yeah!.You're the man!

47: Wimbledon. The only way Wimbledon could be more middle class is if David Mitchell was a first round wild card each year.

46: Pub amateurs. People who only go out twice a year and are shit at it. Why your true booze hound never goes out New Years Eve.

45: White Rastas. They're a dying breed but, like Jacko defenders and Help for Heroes merchandise, they need eternal mocking.

44: That music man song. Pia. Pia. Piano. Piano. Piano. Though it is a handy way for paedophiles to accidentally "out" themselves.

43: People who wear sunglasses at any opportunity. Few sighted people look good in shades. None on a muggy grey day in Penge Lidl.

42: Rocky Horror Picture Show enthusiasts.

41: The voice of Paul Gambaccini. A transatlantic tone redolent of vanished laptops and powerful lawyers.

40: Parents whose kids have names all beginning with the same letter. They probably go to Center Parks.

39: Pokemon. Japanese torture didn't end with Nagasaki.

38: Schoolboys with beards. Half the lads at our local comp look like Mungo Jerry ffs

37: People queuing overnight to buy stuff. Ooh there's a half price telly. Ooh a new Harry Potter dildo. Queuings for gangbangers.

36: Wristbands. My favourite moment of this century was the shaming of Lance Armstrong. It made a million wrists look like cunts.

35: I've only just seen this. Kitkats labelled for Cycling Breaks. Fuck off. Cycling really is the new Untouchable.

34: Self service checkouts in supermarkets. 1: That used to be someone's job. 2: Aaah! Bananas don't have barcodes on them. Twat! 

33: Tolkien. Which is an old Orc word for "only paedos read this goblin shit".

32: Quiz show contestants told to drag show out. "Well. I know it's not 27. Or Cher. So I'll say Paris is the capital of France."

31: Live Lounge. Jo Whileys legacy will be endless sad retreads of pop hits by artists who think acoustic means poignant. Shit off.

30: TV studio audiences. People waving to a "supercomputer' on a game show. Blokes in football kit. Watching a parked car. Scum.

29: Educating (insert county). Wow. Top teachers! You'd be good at your job too if it was being filmed. Where's the shit staff?

28: The Libertines. Add a druggie version of Rik the People's Poet to tunes the Clash would reject for being too leaden. Voila.

27: Bailiffs/debt collectors getting sympathetic documentaries. Apply now. History of violence preferred though not essential.

26: Rich guys boasting their kids won't get a penny when they die. Why not say I never loved your mother while you're at it. Twats.

25: Kay Burley. Remember Grace Pander in Death Race 2000? Kay Burley is that satirical creation multiplied by Gail Tilsleys face.

24: Hackett/Eden Park. A look that says "After intimidating this pub with banter, us lads are off to hunt foxes. And rape them."

23: Paid holidays of a lifetime for rich comedians tv projects. Especially Griff Rhys Jones. The grasping rimjob.

22: Suntans. People never say "ooh nice hangover!" Or "That is a top scar." Damage your skin in the sun though and its high fives.

21: Man vs Food. Basic needs abused as entertainment. Shame he didn't make Man vs Sun. Or Blood Smeared Man vs Great White Shark.

20: Regional spin on world news. Devon man went to Sousse in 1987. Is he shocked by these events? Yes. We didn't see any gunmen.

19: Football gossip. Insiders say Alan Wank is poised to make a million pound move to Cancer Napolitano. STOP MAKING SHIT UP!

18: Bank TV ads. Banks are cunts. They dont return lost scarves, they don't have choirs or radio stations. They reposess homes ffs

17: Leslie Ash. NHS suing talentless carp mouthed fuckmuppet.

16: Stage schools. Pushy mums convinced their Jakey is a star in the making. He's a cunt in the making. Child abuse with fees.

15: Name badges. My name is Alan and McDonald's own me. I am a branded cow. My badge helps identify me should I upset a customer.

14: The Big Issue. 25 years of not ending homelessness. Never mind. 800,000 empty properties. 250000 homeless. I see a solution.

13: Sport quiz shows. A Question of Sport is UKIP Golf Club Banter. That thing with Cordens got Corden in it. Don't mention TTIAO.

12: Children in Need: Celebrating our failure to care for society's most vulnerable. Now in UK Causes Only flavour!!

11: Cash machines with too many options. What language? Balance? Receipt? Printed? I just want money its my fucking round!!! Cunts

10: The Boat Race. Televised as part of our cultural heritage. It’s a wankers jolly watching future business cunts on steroids.

9: Motorsport. All of it. From F1 to the klaxon raping dickdrinkers at Speedway.Except when rally cars hit fans. Cos that's funny.

8: Danny Baker. The Australia to Clarksons South Africa. The Cockney Dungeonmaster. Beat cancer then wished it on rioters. Wanker.

7: The increasingly shit names of children. Did you want a kid? Really? Then why did you call it Kai/Fletch/Legolas? You twat.

6: People who say things like "Ooh 5 sleeps till Ibiza" online. I find texting local thieves their addresses most therapeutic.

5: DIY. Make DIY illegal and you'll halve the unemployment numbers at a stroke. DIY is time consuming joyless wanking with hammers

4: The theft of working class culture. Football, pop music, even our fucking chips. Hipster vultures circle our bingo and darts..

3: Tax evaders. Oh I pay a lot of tax as it is. So? That's like a paedo saying well there's a lot of kids out there I didn't shag.

2. Actors being "brave". Bravery is showing courage in difficult situations. It isn't wearing a prosthetic nose or cripping up.

 

AND THEN I COULD NOT DECIDE ON A NUMBER 1

 

Joint #1

 

1: That moment when you realise who Claudia Winkelman’s mum is.

1: Post Buble boybands. Hey they dress like the Rat Pack! They sing songs your nan would like. They're all fucking awful. Like Sinatra is!

1: The sudden trend of phrase "Life-changing injuries" in tv news. Tempting the worst kind of ghoulish speculation. OOh that's a leg gone!

1: Apps and devices that tell you where speed cameras are. Why not list coppers in the phone book? Fuck you, ignorant motorpricks.

1: Armed forces ads. They should have a quadruple amputee typing “I Never Went Speedboating and Helmand Is Shit” with a headstick.