Britishcore

I'd never heard of BRITISHCORE until, like many people, this eye-poppingly shit screed hit the world this morning. Anyway, bored as I was with everything else, I had a go myself.

1: Buying a Big Issue, revelling in some kind of inner smugness for doing so and drowning out the voice in your head that says “Fucking hell, the Big Issue just turns homeless people into advertising space” before heading back to the former council house your parents left you.

2: Tutting and aahing at the lifestyle choices of the poor before getting obliterated every night on expensive malt.

3: Knocking one out watching Rachel Riley.

4. Having a mate called Rapey and never having questioned this.

5. Getting incensed at Just Stop Oil and the like and then weeping watching an Attenborough clip.

6. Spending double the amount of money on a holiday to Cornwall as on a holiday to Portugal.

7. Watching and enjoying Saturday Kitchen.

8. Brushing cocaine off your BBC lanyard.

9. Actually knowing what the fuck half the shit Slater or Ottolenghi are on about actually is and where the best place to locally source it is.

10. Still banging on about Britpop.

11. Going to a local independent cinema to watch a four hour Chilean drama purely to say you’re really into South American cinema now.

12. Using the term holibobs.

13. Fancying Keir Starmer and writing about it.

14. Thinking you are friends with the cleaner/au pair.

15. Referring to a holiday in the UK as a “staycation”.

16. Commandeering a significant area of your local park with a gazebo and a barbecue and some sports equipment so you can get pissed with your friends and their equally awful kids

17. Misrepresenting your parents occupation for working class credentials.

18. Raving about the new Jamie.

19. Being excited about the new Gavin and Stacey.

20. Messaging the WhatsApp group about the new John Lewis advert.

21. Parkrun.

22. Having a collection of anything taking up a room in your home.

23. Giving your kid a working class name when they’re never going to have been dismayed to find some prick has filled their basket with yellow stickered food despite having a BMW in the car park outside.

24. Getting emotionally aroused by the Red Arrows.

25. Saying stuff like “Of course, the real Glastonbury isn’t the bands, it’s the little stages, the secret nooks and crannies.”

26. Sneering at people for buying eight quid jeans when that’s all they can fucking afford, you reprehensible wankpigs.

27. Pretending you’ve never been to “a Spoons”.

28. Enjoying that Alan Carr show where he gets to restore Tuscan villas for peanuts but then tutting at Bradley Walsh dragging his chirpy mug round the States on ITV.

29. Saying you live in West London when you live in Harrow.

30. Saying “ooh I’m awful till I’ve had my coffee” in the morning as some sort of excuse for being a prick first thing every fucking day.

31. Liking Ant and Dec.

32. Having an opinion on Harry and Meghan.

33. Giving your kids a Christmas box or whatever it is when you give your kids a load of stuff on Christmas Eve too because you’re an idiot.

34. Exaggerating some sort of working class accent whenever you enter anywhere you suspect that working class people are socialising.

35. Saying things like “Yes bruv” and “Ya feel me” when you’re from Chipping fucking Sodbury.

36. Liking Led by Donkeys and sharing their posts, thinking you’re contributing to the fall of evil.

37. Thinking you could handle yourself in a fight because you’ve watched Peaky Blinders.

38. Ringing your genuinely hard up mates to complain about your financial plight because you can’t afford Carfest this year.

39. Those stupid massive fucking coats.

40. Pretending you still refer to Starburst as Opal Fruits.

41. Driving everywhere.

42. Enjoying Clarkson’s Farm.

43. Still going on about only getting a B in A-level French thirty years later.

44. Using the phrase “I know, right”.

45. Texting Six Music and saying things like “Wooh, Love a bit of Libertines. Absolute scenes here in the conservatory! Whoop!”

46. Stop photographing EVERYTHING.

47. Saying “its coming home mate” to everyone because England just got a last minute winner against Laos. And also because you know nothing about football.

48. Having the Zoopla app.

49. Saying “LOL” out loud.

50. Reading those “10 ideal Croatian hotspots” type articles in the Sunday papers and ticking off the ones you’ve been to already.

51. Having a massive fridge covered in those stupid magnetic words.

52. Convincing yourself your kid’s got ADD because they were late back from hockey practise.

53. Resenting the dog you got during lockdown.

54. Pretending you never really liked Russell Brand.

55. Having any kind of picture in your kitchen that refers to “Gin O’Clock”.

56. Getting heavily on board with the latest fashionable food – “pulled pork”, “smashed burgers”, “kicked-the-shit-out-of-kebabs”

57. Getting a tattoo of your children’s names but it’s in some ancient script.

58. High fiving.

59. Having shoes with designated roles like “Work Shoes”, “Party Shoes”, “Funeral Shoes” rather than just one pair of fucking shoes that have somehow got to last till the next paltry pay increase.

60. Banging your saucepan or whatever for NHS staff during the pandemic and then voting contradictory to that performative nonsense at the next election.

61. Being a bit too into Rocky Horror Picture Show.

62. Having a crush on Carol Vorderman.

63. Calling your gap year in the 80s “being unemployed.”

64. Watching The Budget intently.

65. Booking annual leave every year for the day after the Oscars.

66. PELOTON!

67. Wearing a different Christmas jumper every day from December 1.

68. Sticking with Line of Duty even though it was shit after about series 2.

69. Calling Wednesday “hump day” to people for whom, that week, it may well be their Monday.

70. Downton Abbey.

71. Grown adults skateboarding.

72. Football fans who over-intellectualise the game. “Actually, much as I was pleased Atlanta won, I was surprised Klopp fell for the 3-3-1-3 trap, a primitive take on the classic libero system if you ask me ETC ETC ETC FUCKING SHUT UP ITS JUST A GAME.”

73. People with massive cars who believe that somehow the landscape in the advert they first saw said car, a world of wide open empty Continental lanes of smooth perfect tarmac, is just like the crammed suburban bottleneck hell hole they’ve taken delivery of the monster truck with small wheels to.

74. Saying “PARKLIFE” at anything.

75. People who play golf.

76. The Great British Doing Shit You Don’t Have to Do Anymore Because Capitalism/Technology Show, you endlessly middle class fucktards.

77. Wimbledon.

78. The wrap-around-shade-in-the-gelled-up-hair-with-cricket-jumper-draped-around-your-shoulder-whilst-you-walk-around-in-shorts-and-birkenstocks-trying-to-appear-casual-whilst-you-queue-for-your-expensive-fucking-coffee-on-a-Satruday-morning look so beloved of every middle class middle aged prick in the shit seaside town I live in from March to September.

79. Doing shit “ironically”. Yeah we got tired of Dubrovnik so we took the kids to, get this right, fucking PONTINS! Hilares!

80. People who say stuff like “ooh 5 sleeps till Christmas”.

81. BrewDog.

82. Reading the Guardian

83. Taking time off work “for your mental health” and then verbally abusing an underling on your return to work for not doing more in your absence.

84. People in the gym who don’t use the lockers and just take all their shit into the gym despite signs asking them not to because they’re a busy media person and look it doesn’t matter really and the kid on the desk is going to say fuck all because he’s a kid on 8 quid an hour.

85. Endlessly watching your Ring doorbell thing.

86. Using “Best” as an email signature.

87. Not referring to Benedict Cumberbatch as “Benny Cums”.

88. “I mean, yeah, there was Iraq. But Blair did so much good….”

89. “I love Comic Relief!”

90. Calling your pub quiz team “Cunning Stunts”

91. Having an allotment when you’ve covered your entire garden with fucking pebbles.

92. Having zero understanding of being poor.

93. Having zero understanding of being hungry.

94. Having zero understanding of anything past your stupid facile media bullshit world.

95. Banksy.

96. If you’ve got this far, I’m sorry.

97. I mean, I’m as much of a cunt as most people.

98. I’ll probably get pissed tonight. Hungover in my shit job tomorrow, all of this is just the politics of envy.

99. I’d love to have the chance to go ski-ing, I mean I wouldn’t go because I’m accident prone.

100. But imagine it. I don’t even know what apres-ski means but I bet it’s fucking delicious. Am I allowed it with crisps?