Top of the Premier Pops

Decided to predict the Premier League race by looking at what was number one in the UK charts when their manager was born.

20^th place. MAN CITY (Pep Guardiola) – Grandad (Clive Dunn). Clearly those charges are finally going to bite. Clive Dunn cosplaying as a sweet old man to appallingly sentimental slop that was bizarrely written by the same bloke who played that bassline on Walk on the Wild Side. 

19^th place. WOLVES (Gary O’Neil) – True (Spandau Ballet). The worst record of the 1980s. If Thatcherism sounded like anything it sounded like this. Sorry Wolves. Tony Hadley with his Yuppie Gaston head, a fucking saxophone solo from hell. It was I’m Not in Love for cunts.

18^th place. BRIGHTON (Fabian Hurzeler) – No Limit (2 Unlimited). No no no no no no no no, no no no no, there’s no Premiership.

17^th place. ARSENAL (Mikel Arteta) – The Lion Sleeps Tonight (Tight Fit). Fantasy Island was the best pop record of the 1980s. But this shite cover got to the top. Arsenal’s away form will desert them and their fans will beg them to “Win Away “ to the tune of “Wimoweh.” Possibly.

16^th place. BRENTFORD (Thomas Frank) – Eye Level (Simon Park Orchestra). The only instrumental in our list. A theme tune more memorable than the show it soundtracked. It’s shit really but it’s better than what’s below it. A season of struggle.

15^th place. SOUTHAMPTON (Russell Martin) – Merry Christmas Everyone (Shakin Stevens). Southampton will be the surprise package of the season up until Christmas and then it’ll fall quicker than the reputation of Olympic breakdancing.

14^th place. NOTTINGHAM FOREST (Nuno Espirito Santo) – You Wont Find Another Fool Like Me (The New Seekers).. The kind of bland, uneventful stuff that would be a hit if people had power cuts twice a week and only Spam and Mike Yarwood flavour crisps to eat.  Mid table beckons.

13^th place. CRYSTAL PALACE (Thomas Glasner) – When Will I See You Again (The Three Degrees). Being the kind of song you recognise the chorus when it comes on but nothing else about it. Like Palace when Zaha comes back.

12^th place. FULHAM (Mario Silva) – So You Win Again (Hot Chocolate). The title suggests the Cottagers will pick up a lot of points this season but the singer’s bald so maybe they won’t have much up top.

11^th place. LIVERPOOL (Arne Slot) – Three Times a Lady (Commodores). Who doesn’t want to hear this song in a Dutch accent? Who is the Lionel Richie of Liverpool? (Insert predictable hair and tache 1980s joke here). A disappointing season nonetheless.

10^th place. IPSWICH TOWN (Kieran McKenna) – Rock Me Amadeus (Falco). Fucking bonkers stuff. All over the place. A one hit wonder though so just like last time they were in the Prem it’ll end in tears in 2025-26.

9^th place. BOURNEMOUTH (Andoni Iraola) – Goody Two Shoes (Adam Ant). Everyone likes Bournemouth a bit don’t they? Hard to really dislike them especially now Eddie “Beheaders and Volleys” Howe has gone. Adam Ant’s finest hour and I’ll brook no argument.

8^th place MANCHESTER UNITED (Erik Ten Hag) – Love Grows…(Edison Lighthouse). Ten Hag finally gets a tune out of United. This was the song that knocked Rolf Harris off the top of the charts. And for legal reasons I’ll end the tweet there.

7^th place. EVERTON (Sean Dyche) – My Sweet Lord (George Harrison). In much the same way that George beat the other Beatles to a solo number one, the Toffees finally finish above Liverpool. There’ll be an expensive legal battle after mind…

6^th place. LEICESTER CITY (Steve Cooper) – Walking on the Moon (Police). Steve Cooper has the same initials as Sting Cunt and Stewart Copeland. And Leicester will make giant steps this season…

5^th place. SPURS (Ange Postecoglou) – I Got You Babe (Sonny and Cher). Groundhog Day again for Spurs as they miss out on the Champions League places.

4^th place. NEWCASTLE UNITED (Eddie Howe) – Name of the Game (ABBA). Abba is short for Arabian Bonesaw Bastards Athletic.

3^rd place. WEST HAM UNITED (Julien Lopetegui) – Yellow Submarine/Eleanor Rigby (Beatles). I got nothing here. You can sing Chrysencio Summerville to the tune of Yellow Submarine and Edson Alvarez to Eleanor Rigby if you like though.

2nd place. ASTON VILLA (Unai Emery) – Maggie May (Rod Stewart). Yes I’m biased but Rod was never better and Villa are brilliant now.

1^st place. CHELSEA (Enzo Maresca) – Too Much Too Young (Specials). How many young players have Chelsea got? TOO MUCH MATE! (SATIRE!).