I'd never heard of BRITISHCORE until, like many people, this eye-poppingly shit screed hit the world this morning. Anyway, bored as I was with everything else, I had a go myself.
1: Buying a Big Issue, revelling in some kind of inner
smugness for doing so and drowning out the voice in your head that says “Fucking
hell, the Big Issue just turns homeless people into advertising space” before
heading back to the former council house your parents left you.
2: Tutting and aahing at the lifestyle choices of the poor
before getting obliterated every night on expensive malt.
3: Knocking one out watching Rachel Riley.
4. Having a mate called Rapey and never having
questioned this.
5. Getting incensed at Just Stop Oil and the
like and then weeping watching an Attenborough clip.
6. Spending double the amount of money on a
holiday to Cornwall as on a holiday to Portugal.
7. Watching and enjoying Saturday Kitchen.
8. Brushing cocaine off your BBC lanyard.
9. Actually knowing what the fuck half the shit
Slater or Ottolenghi are on about actually is and where the best place to
locally source it is.
10. Still banging on about Britpop.
11. Going to a local independent cinema to watch
a four hour Chilean drama purely to say you’re really into South American
cinema now.
12. Using the term holibobs.
13. Fancying Keir Starmer and writing about it.
14. Thinking you are friends with the cleaner/au
pair.
15. Referring to a holiday in the UK as a “staycation”.
16. Commandeering a significant area of your
local park with a gazebo and a barbecue and some sports equipment so you can
get pissed with your friends and their equally awful kids
17. Misrepresenting your parents occupation for
working class credentials.
18. Raving about the new Jamie.
19. Being excited about the new Gavin and Stacey.
20. Messaging the WhatsApp group about the new John
Lewis advert.
21. Parkrun.
22. Having a collection of anything taking up a
room in your home.
23. Giving your kid a working class name when
they’re never going to have been dismayed to find some prick has filled their
basket with yellow stickered food despite having a BMW in the car park outside.
24. Getting emotionally aroused by the Red
Arrows.
25. Saying stuff like “Of course, the real Glastonbury
isn’t the bands, it’s the little stages, the secret nooks and crannies.”
26. Sneering at people for buying eight quid
jeans when that’s all they can fucking afford, you reprehensible wankpigs.
27. Pretending you’ve never been to “a Spoons”.
28. Enjoying that Alan Carr show where he gets
to restore Tuscan villas for peanuts but then tutting at Bradley Walsh dragging
his chirpy mug round the States on ITV.
29. Saying you live in West London when you live
in Harrow.
30. Saying “ooh I’m awful till I’ve had my
coffee” in the morning as some sort of excuse for being a prick first thing
every fucking day.
31. Liking Ant and Dec.
32. Having an opinion on Harry and Meghan.
33. Giving your kids a Christmas box or whatever
it is when you give your kids a load of stuff on Christmas Eve too because you’re
an idiot.
34. Exaggerating some sort of working class
accent whenever you enter anywhere you suspect that working class people are
socialising.
35. Saying things like “Yes bruv” and “Ya feel
me” when you’re from Chipping fucking Sodbury.
36. Liking Led by Donkeys and sharing their
posts, thinking you’re contributing to the fall of evil.
37. Thinking you could handle yourself in a
fight because you’ve watched Peaky Blinders.
38. Ringing your genuinely hard up mates to
complain about your financial plight because you can’t afford Carfest this year.
39. Those stupid massive fucking coats.
40. Pretending you still refer to Starburst as
Opal Fruits.
41. Driving everywhere.
42. Enjoying Clarkson’s Farm.
43. Still going on about only getting a B in A-level
French thirty years later.
44. Using the phrase “I know, right”.
45. Texting Six Music and saying things like “Wooh,
Love a bit of Libertines. Absolute scenes here in the conservatory! Whoop!”
46. Stop photographing EVERYTHING.
47. Saying “its coming home mate” to everyone
because England just got a last minute winner against Laos. And also because you
know nothing about football.
48. Having the Zoopla app.
49. Saying “LOL” out loud.
50. Reading those “10 ideal Croatian hotspots”
type articles in the Sunday papers and ticking off the ones you’ve been to
already.
51. Having a massive fridge covered in those
stupid magnetic words.
52. Convincing yourself your kid’s got ADD
because they were late back from hockey practise.
53. Resenting the dog you got during lockdown.
54. Pretending you never really liked Russell
Brand.
55. Having any kind of picture in your kitchen
that refers to “Gin O’Clock”.
56. Getting heavily on board with the latest
fashionable food – “pulled pork”, “smashed burgers”, “kicked-the-shit-out-of-kebabs”
57. Getting a tattoo of your children’s names
but it’s in some ancient script.
58. High fiving.
59. Having shoes with designated roles like “Work
Shoes”, “Party Shoes”, “Funeral Shoes” rather than just one pair of fucking
shoes that have somehow got to last till the next paltry pay increase.
60. Banging your saucepan or whatever for NHS
staff during the pandemic and then voting contradictory to that performative
nonsense at the next election.
61. Being a bit too into Rocky Horror Picture Show.
62. Having a crush on Carol Vorderman.
63. Calling your gap year in the 80s “being
unemployed.”
64. Watching The Budget intently.
65. Booking annual leave every year for the day
after the Oscars.
66. PELOTON!
67. Wearing a different Christmas jumper every
day from December 1.
68. Sticking with Line of Duty even though it
was shit after about series 2.
69. Calling Wednesday “hump day” to people for whom,
that week, it may well be their Monday.
70. Downton Abbey.
71. Grown adults skateboarding.
72. Football fans who over-intellectualise the
game. “Actually, much as I was pleased Atlanta won, I was surprised Klopp fell
for the 3-3-1-3 trap, a primitive take on the classic libero system if you ask
me ETC ETC ETC FUCKING SHUT UP ITS JUST A GAME.”
73. People with massive cars who believe that
somehow the landscape in the advert they first saw said car, a world of wide open
empty Continental lanes of smooth perfect tarmac, is just like the crammed
suburban bottleneck hell hole they’ve taken delivery of the monster truck with
small wheels to.
74. Saying “PARKLIFE” at anything.
75. People who play golf.
76. The Great British Doing Shit You Don’t Have
to Do Anymore Because Capitalism/Technology Show, you endlessly middle class
fucktards.
77. Wimbledon.
78. The wrap-around-shade-in-the-gelled-up-hair-with-cricket-jumper-draped-around-your-shoulder-whilst-you-walk-around-in-shorts-and-birkenstocks-trying-to-appear-casual-whilst-you-queue-for-your-expensive-fucking-coffee-on-a-Satruday-morning
look so beloved of every middle class middle aged prick in the shit seaside town
I live in from March to September.
79. Doing shit “ironically”. Yeah we got tired
of Dubrovnik so we took the kids to, get this right, fucking PONTINS! Hilares!
80. People who say stuff like “ooh 5 sleeps till
Christmas”.
81. BrewDog.
82. Reading the Guardian
83. Taking time off work “for your mental health”
and then verbally abusing an underling on your return to work for not doing
more in your absence.
84. People in the gym who don’t use the lockers and
just take all their shit into the gym despite signs asking them not to because
they’re a busy media person and look it doesn’t matter really and the kid on
the desk is going to say fuck all because he’s a kid on 8 quid an hour.
85. Endlessly watching your Ring doorbell thing.
86. Using “Best” as an email signature.
87. Not referring to Benedict Cumberbatch as “Benny
Cums”.
88. “I mean, yeah, there was Iraq. But Blair did
so much good….”
89. “I love Comic Relief!”
90. Calling your pub quiz team “Cunning Stunts”
91. Having an allotment when you’ve covered your
entire garden with fucking pebbles.
92. Having zero understanding of being poor.
93. Having zero understanding of being hungry.
94. Having zero understanding of anything past
your stupid facile media bullshit world.
95. Banksy.
96. If you’ve got this far, I’m sorry.
97. I mean, I’m as much of a cunt as most
people.
98. I’ll probably get pissed tonight. Hungover
in my shit job tomorrow, all of this is just the politics of envy.
99. I’d love to have the chance to go ski-ing, I
mean I wouldn’t go because I’m accident prone.
100. But imagine it. I don’t even know what
apres-ski means but I bet it’s fucking delicious. Am I allowed it with crisps?