Decided to predict the Premier League race by looking at what was number one in the UK charts when their manager was born.
20th place. MAN CITY (Pep Guardiola) – Grandad (Clive Dunn). Clearly those charges are finally going to bite. Clive Dunn cosplaying as a sweet old man to appallingly sentimental slop that was bizarrely written by the same bloke who played that bassline on Walk on the Wild Side.
19th place. WOLVES (Gary O’Neil) – True (Spandau
Ballet). The worst record of the 1980s. If Thatcherism sounded like
anything it sounded like this. Sorry Wolves. Tony Hadley with his Yuppie Gaston
head, a fucking saxophone solo from hell. It was I’m Not in Love for cunts.
18th place. BRIGHTON (Fabian Hurzeler) – No Limit (2 Unlimited). No no no no no no no no, no no no no, there’s no Premiership.
17th place. ARSENAL (Mikel Arteta) – The Lion Sleeps Tonight (Tight Fit). Fantasy Island was the best pop record of the 1980s. But this shite cover got to the top. Arsenal’s away form will desert them and their fans will beg them to “Win Away “ to the tune of “Wimoweh.” Possibly.
16th place. BRENTFORD (Thomas Frank) – Eye Level
(Simon Park Orchestra). The only instrumental in our list. A theme tune more
memorable than the show it soundtracked. It’s shit really but it’s better than
what’s below it. A season of struggle.
15th place. SOUTHAMPTON (Russell Martin) –
Merry Christmas Everyone (Shakin Stevens). Southampton will be the surprise
package of the season up until Christmas and then it’ll fall quicker than the
reputation of Olympic breakdancing.
14th place. NOTTINGHAM FOREST (Nuno Espirito
Santo) – You Wont Find Another Fool Like Me (The New Seekers).. The kind of
bland, uneventful stuff that would be a hit if people had power cuts twice a
week and only Spam and Mike Yarwood flavour crisps to eat. Mid table beckons.
13th place. CRYSTAL PALACE (Thomas Glasner) –
When Will I See You Again (The Three Degrees). Being the kind of song you
recognise the chorus when it comes on but nothing else about it. Like Palace when
Zaha comes back.
12th place. FULHAM (Mario Silva) – So You Win Again
(Hot Chocolate). The title suggests the Cottagers will pick up a lot of
points this season but the singer’s bald so maybe they won’t have much up top.
11th place. LIVERPOOL (Arne Slot) – Three Times
a Lady (Commodores). Who doesn’t want to hear this song in a Dutch accent? Who
is the Lionel Richie of Liverpool? (Insert predictable hair and tache 1980s
joke here). A disappointing season nonetheless.
10th place. IPSWICH TOWN (Kieran McKenna) –
Rock Me Amadeus (Falco). Fucking bonkers stuff. All over the place. A one
hit wonder though so just like last time they were in the Prem it’ll end in
tears in 2025-26.
9th place. BOURNEMOUTH (Andoni Iraola) – Goody
Two Shoes (Adam Ant). Everyone likes Bournemouth a bit don’t they? Hard to
really dislike them especially now Eddie “Beheaders and Volleys” Howe has gone.
Adam Ant’s finest hour and I’ll brook no argument.
8th place MANCHESTER UNITED (Erik Ten Hag) – Love
Grows…(Edison Lighthouse). Ten Hag finally gets a tune out of United. This
was the song that knocked Rolf Harris off the top of the charts. And for legal
reasons I’ll end the tweet there.
7th place. EVERTON (Sean Dyche) – My Sweet
Lord (George Harrison). In much the same way that George beat the other
Beatles to a solo number one, the Toffees finally finish above Liverpool. There’ll
be an expensive legal battle after mind…
6th place. LEICESTER CITY (Steve Cooper) –
Walking on the Moon (Police). Steve Cooper has the same initials as Sting
Cunt and Stewart Copeland. And Leicester will make giant steps this season…
5th place. SPURS (Ange Postecoglou) – I Got
You Babe (Sonny and Cher). Groundhog Day again for Spurs as they miss out
on the Champions League places.
4th place. NEWCASTLE UNITED (Eddie Howe) –
Name of the Game (ABBA). Abba is short for Arabian Bonesaw Bastards
Athletic.
3rd place. WEST HAM UNITED (Julien Lopetegui) –
Yellow Submarine/Eleanor Rigby (Beatles). I got nothing here. You can sing
Chrysencio Summerville to the tune of Yellow Submarine and Edson Alvarez to
Eleanor Rigby if you like though.
2nd place. ASTON VILLA (Unai Emery) – Maggie May (Rod
Stewart). Yes I’m biased but Rod was never better and Villa are brilliant now.
1st place. CHELSEA (Enzo Maresca) – Too Much
Too Young (Specials). How many young players have Chelsea got? TOO MUCH
MATE! (SATIRE!).
